Witch's Familiars

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/05/is-it-rude-to-ask-what-someone-does-for-a-living.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=38325

A reader writes:

I left the workforce a few years ago to become a stay-at-home parent. I loved working and thus love hearing about other people’s work. When meeting someone new (often another parent my age), I sometimes ask, “So, what field are you in?” or “So, do you work or go to school, or are you home with the kids?” This often leads to further conversation like how they became interested in their field, where they work and if we might have mutual connections in our small, rural area (e.g., “Oh, you work at [employer]? Do you know my cousin [name]?”) Or, if the person is a SAHM like myself, this opens up an entirely different and equally satisfying convo about motherhood.

I find most people receptive to this question and that it leads to interesting and pleasant conversation, but I recently read that inquiring “What do you do?” can be perceived as rude because you could be attempting to make a value judgment on someone’s career or perceived income. Is career off-limits for discussion unless the person themself brings it up? Is there a graceful way I can ask someone about their work while signaling genuine interest and not malicious intent?

Ha, well, you’re asking someone who grew up in and is now back in the Washington, D.C. area, where that is always the first question anyone asks. (Sometimes it’s power-mongering, but it’s also that this is an area with a lot of people in wonky or niche jobs that they’re really passionate about and spend a lot of time doing.) When I moved to the Pacific Northwest at one point, I was surprised to discover that people could know each for months before their jobs ever came up. So there can be a regional component — and if you notice you’re the only one who ever asks it, that can be useful info about the culture you in.

To give a more general answer, though: there are people who hate being asked what they do — because they feel they’re going to be judged on their answer, or because they dislike talking about work, or because they don’t want to be defined by their job. But it can also be a very common question, and the fact that you’re finding most people are receptive to it and it leads to interesting conversations is a data point in favor of not feeling like you can’t ask.

Since you’re thinking about it, though, your wording of “So, do you work or go to school, or are you home with the kids?” is probably useful for signaling that you’re not trying to use the person’s professional status to evaluate whether they’re worth your time to talk to. You could also add, “Or what keeps you busy?” so that if someone wants to talk about their hobbies instead of their work, it’s clear you’d welcome that too.

The post is it rude to ask what someone does for a living? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/05/is-it-rude-to-ask-what-someone-does-for-a-living.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=38325

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/05/my-offices-second-in-command-is-sabotaging-the-ceo.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37963

A reader asks:

I am an upper level manager in a mid-sized company. This past year, our CEO retired after decades in leadership. I used to report to him, but in the changeover it was decided that I would report to the second-in-command, Sally, who had wanted the top job but didn’t get it.

Sally is extremely toxic, but our former CEO had a soft spot for her and has painted her in a very positive light to the new CEO, Kate. While Kate gets acclimated, she has delegated much of the day-to-day work to Sally.

However, Sally is actively lying about a lot of things, to many different people, with the seeming intent to set up Kate to fail. For example, at a recent meeting Sally was leading, she gave us specific examples of ongoing work happening and encouraged us to conduct similar work in our own departments. But when I followed up with the people supposedly working on these very specific tasks, they had no idea what I was talking about. Another example: Kate believes Sally to be organizing and running a series of important meetings but Sally is not running those meetings, nor does she attend most of them, though Kate clearly thinks she has been. Sally also has a habit of scheduling meetings, then canceling them one minute before or just not showing up at all, with no explanation, but she reports back as if she has attended. She also presents herself as giving specific directives from Kate, but those instructions often contradict things Kate has said to directly us. Meanwhile, I’m getting a sense that some non-management staff, who aren’t as clued in to this dynamic, are starting to get disgruntled with Kate’s leadership.

We fear Kate will think we are all a bunch of disgruntled employees not being flexible if we try to clue her in. But we all really like Kate and want her to succeed!

I have some one-on-one contact with Kate but she is extremely busy so it’s been limited. There are others with more clout who are at the end of their tether with Sally but are reluctant to put themselves on the line. What on earth do we do?

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

The post my office’s second-in-command is sabotaging the CEO appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2026/05/my-offices-second-in-command-is-sabotaging-the-ceo.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=37963