Fitness Fellowship 2022: Week 19

[sylvanwitch]

I don't know what your life is like these days, but I say fervently that I hope it's nothing like mine. I don't mean to sound dire: The world's on fire, so my own little conflagration means very little. All I can do is keep beating at the flames and, if I can, help others put out their own. If this tiny community here helps at all, then I've done something.

So, with no further ado, please share, if you're so inclined, how you're doing these days. Your comments can be physical fitness related, but you're also welcome to just...share, you know? Whatever. We're here. I'm listening.



My weight is up, and that's not okay, not because of vanity but because when I am heavier, I experience more frequent and prolonged anxiety events (not really attacks so much as sustained sieges), heartburn, foot and leg pain, difficulty sleeping, etc. So, keeping my weight down is, for me, an absolute matter of better mental health.

Unfortunately, my go-to solution to difficult and stressful times is to reward myself with good food.

So, my weight is up because this past week was already quite stressful and then, of course, we had a mass shooting.

On the flip side, I've been getting a LOT of exercise--so much--and also am out working in the yard and gardens again, so at least I didn't gain as much as I might have, and I'm definitely feeling less strain from my bout with COVID. The only lingering aftereffect is an awful tickle in my throat that makes me cough until I gag. *sighs*

My weight is up, therefore, because I've been eating, not so much during the week--in fact, weekdays last week I mostly avoided any after-dinner snacking--but because I just let myself have splurge weekends. Yesterday, for example, we went for what turned out to be a 4.37-mile stroll, and it was lovely, but at the end of it, we found a vegan restaurant that was right where we'd parked, and I can't tell you how amazing that is because that sort of thing isn't common around here. Anyway, the food--which we took out to a picnic table near the water to eat (NO MORE COVID FOR US)--was AMAZING, which is good news-bad news for weight loss.

The plan for the week ahead is to keep exercising and gardening, avoid nighttime snacking, and have a splurge MEAL instead of, you know, an entire weekend. I have to try to channel my emotional/reward needs into something else--perhaps gardening.

Anyway, I hope to have better news next week, but first I have to get through today.



*hugs* and hope for our collective and individual fates, my friends.

Comments

[qilora]

"I'm definitely feeling less strain from my bout with COVID"

very unhappy to hear about your crazy-tickle that refuses to leave you.. it reminds me of when i caught whooping-cough from the rabbi's kids (about 10 years ago) ––– and i REPEAT, kids are freaking petri dishes!

but that being said, thank G-d, that you are feeling better overall...

as for the creepy-mingling anxiety, i will let you know what works for me: isometric belly crunches... just a few minutes sitting here and slowly pulling my belly in (breathing in), holding it for a moment an then and letting it relax (while breathing out), will ALWAYS make me feel that slight "endorphin soup" in my head... it is the ONLY thing that will make me calm down and help my heart stop pounding...

the Taoists call this reverse-breathing... it gets MUCH oxygen into your system which will help you to "clean" your blood and calm your mind...

[sylvanwitch]

Thank you both for the very kind words and the advice on breathing. It happens that I used to lead a student meditation group, which always began with breathing exercises. As I am bad at taking my own advice, it is very helpful to have someone gently reminding me that breathing is fundamental and mindful breathing transformative. :-)

[qilora]

"As I am bad at taking my own advice,"––

ah. yes. well that is because you are HUMAN. ;)
*sending empathy*

[qilora]

btw, i thought of you yesterday... my mother made my sister wash her hair for her...

Kay (sis) is in bed with covid and my mother made her get up and wash mother's hair.. she just felt dirty and couldn't wash it herself, when in reality i think it is safe to say that she really resented how "ignored" she felt because Kay is sick...

hope that your side of narcissist-melodramas aren't too rocky...

[sylvanwitch]

Ugh, I'm so sorry for your sister, and I hope she recovers soon from the COVID. (Recovering from having a narcissistic mother is another story, I know. *sends good vibes*)

I think one of the things I was never able to articulate as a teen but see quite clearly all these years later is how staggeringly un-self-aware my mother is. For example, she will demand or want something to be done for her and just expect it to happen, regardless of how she's behaved even in the very recent past. It's beyond her refusing to recognize consequences for her behavior; she legitimately doesn't consider our feelings as *existing*, never mind VALID. It's immensely frustrating.

And now, of course, she's in a nursing home, with an audience who haven't yet figured out who she really is, and she's also experiencing more frequent and sustained delusions, so to outsiders (e.g. staff), we'd seem like monsters to respond as I typically do when my mother is being, well, typical.

It's all frustrating and stressful and exhausting.

So, thank you for the commiseration. It does help, truly, to know I'm not alone in dealing with this sort of behavior.

[qilora]

i know *exactly* what your mother is doing to her family from her bed (it is what they ALWAYS do), the Ns are very skilled at using other's emotions (and fear of shaming and persecuting) in order to control them...

my mother accused my sister (Kay) of ignoring the fact that her leg was turning in purple and she was in pain, she did this because Kay had gotten gallbladder surgery earlier on that day:



Kay took the pictures to show us (me and Nini) and we were really confused.. maybe she was actually hallucinating that it was purple.. we aren't sure what happened, except she kept that pouty/indignant/betrayed look on her face until Kay "served" her enough and then she was presto fine again..

the ONLY thing that works for me, and this works ESPECIALLY well if there are witnesses is to only speak to her as a "worker" and never never sound like her daughter (don't talk in the soft-sing-song voice) and make sure to always repeat what she says and does and do not coddle to her..

e.g. "i understand that you feel this is unfair, but you are being taken care of by the nurses, and if you have a need, make sure you ask them"..
"i am sorry that you feel hurt/angry by what happened, but everyone is doing what we need to do"... "
"i understand that you want this to happen, me and (hubby) will discuss it and we will talk about this in the future"...

keep that "therapist robot" sort of voicer haha.. it works with my mother because she *immediately* seems to want to appear more "in control" than me...

[qilora]

oh and btw, Ns aren't "only N with you", it is impossible.
your mother has the nurses fooled for now, but JUST WAIT. haha ;)

[sylvanwitch]

Thank you for both notes full of useful advice, particularly the reminder that my mother will "out" herself soon enough. (In fact, I think yesterday's care plan conference call fiasco, through which my mother shouted in the background AT the staff the entire time, may have given them a little senes of her true nature.)

Too, I have mostly been using my "we're in public" voice with Mom, even in her room (she has a roommate) and on the phone, so I think I sound reasonable and neutral rather than like I'm attacking a helpless old lady. The home provided a series of suggestions on how to interact with "my" resident, and I've been using that as a sort of playbook. I think I mostly seem a model visitor (?), but it's hard to say for certain. Anyway, as you correctly note, it's only a matter of time before the folks there come to understand what she's really like. Her roommate already seems to have a pretty good idea, as she would, the poor woman.

[qilora]

"the we're in public voice"

LOVE IT!!

"my mother shouted in the background AT the staff the entire time"

oh yes, her acting has been blown.. the only way we can catch Ns is because they will put on their acts but they are clueless of the feelings of others, so they don't realize when they have "crossed that line" <3 bs"d

[oschun]

Yeah, I'm not great either. I've got a rash all over the tops of my hands and the cortisone cream I've been using isn't helping. It might be making it worse. It looks hideous. I need to go back to the doctor again. Also, we started exams today. It's stressful enough as it is, but I've also now been kicked out of my classroom so the exam access kids who use laptops can use my room. I'm in a different classroom every single lesson. Nightmare. I'll be seriously glad for half-term, which is in two weeks. Anyway, onwards and upwards, as they say. Hope things get better for you.

[sylvanwitch]

Oh, no! I'm so sorry to hear of your rash! I've developed a particular type of eczema on just my ring finger from harsh, alcohol-based hand sanitizers, and even topical cortisol cream isn't entirely helping. I hope your doctor is able to figure out the cause AND prescribe something that will ease your suffering and heal the damage.

I am sending you LOTS of "survive-to-half-term" energy, my friend!

We have nine days (including today) of classes left, a week of final exams, and then one full day of faculty meetings (grrrr). I'll be in the clear, school-wise, by 8 June, and I am LIVING for that date!

[oschun]

Thanks for the commiseration, hon. I can't see my GP because I can't get a face to face appointment until the end of June. WTF, right?! They're pretty quick with the online consults though. I've been uploading images of my poor plague hands through the online portal. The cortisone cream has definitely made it worse. I have no idea what's causing it. I don't use hand sanitizers. For me, fear of covid is a distant memory already.

I'm always amazed and envious at how much earlier colleges finish. We continue until July the 20th or something, but at least all the exam groups have left by then and it's a lot more relaxed. The GCSE kids are writing their Lit paper next week, which includes the unseen poetry question. This guy has been crowned the unofficial twitter poet laureate and wrote such a funny and precisely insightful poem about the analysis of unseen poetry. It amused me so much today. Aah, poetry. What a wonderful thing.
https://twitter.com/brian_bilston/status/1248265114261827584?s=20&t=ZSCt7oyO8gH0N7i6aHggOg

[sylvanwitch]

Oh, I know! My college teacher friends are all done already. For a high school, we get out pretty early, but that's because we're private. The public schools in my neck of the woods are in session until the third week in June.

And the linked poem is HYSTERICAL! I love it! (It reminds me of the Billy Collins poem, "Introduction to Poetry": https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46712/introduction-to-poetry

Good luck getting through, my friend!

[synkkaenkeli]

Definitely been ups and downs....

People finally quit leaving at my job and we're one short of being full staffed in my department, before I move to my new department that is.

I did convince them to give me a raise.

My weight has skyrocketed and partially i think that's becuase I'm broke and healthier food is more expensive and honestly not usually included in sales which I've been having to depend heavily on.

Also my fatigue has gotten worse again as well as my daily pain. So between stress and being short on time and energy, I kind of grab whatever I can just to not go hungry and keep myself running.

I do have an appointment with my PCP on Friday though because I'm up for a renewal on my anxiety meds, and I am going to ask him about upping them/changing them. He mentioned i may need to swap to an SNRI instead of an SSI since it's veen 6 years in the past and we'd revisit it if I thought I needed to. I've been blaming my mood and everything on the pandemic and stress financially and with being short staffed at work. But I am still getting very angry at least once whenever I need to leave the house. I don't want to talk to people at all especially strangers. Like verbally speak. I just can't deal with all of it so I'm starting to think the meds are just not working well anymore. Several people have said after 6 years I probably do need either a new med or higher dose. FYI One of the ways my anxiety comes out is lashing out/anger...the other is melting down crying and shaking and freaking out. So....it kind of depends on the situation.

I'm basically at a point of trying to survive day to day and it's hard....its so freaking hard right now

Sorry didn't mean to ramble that long and be that dire.

ETA: i also don't know if the fatigue is from meds, life, or still hanging around 2 years post my COVID...because they don't know how to CHECK for anything related to COVID.

[sylvanwitch]

Ugh, man, I hear you on SO MUCH of what you've said here, particularly the lingering COVID stuff that no one seems qualified to diagnose and the eating what's fast/easy/available because there's just no energy to prepare meals.

I hope your doc is able to adjust your meds in a way that leaves you feeling less anxious and just generally better; it's miserable to be slave to your own brain chemicals, as I have reason to know myself. I truly hope that in a few weeks, you'll be feeling better.

Also, you never need to apologize for venting here. That's what this space is for. :-) *hugs*

[synkkaenkeli]

I’ll try and remember to update you on what he says in some way after my appointment but considering I’ll have slept three times before then…

[sylvanwitch]

Totally understand if you forget, but whatever the case, I hope it goes well for you!

[delphi]

Yeah, my answer is..."Bad." For the past few months, getting enough sleep and fostering an appetite has been a real struggle with all the stress I'm swimming in. It's starting to improve a little now, though, and I'm at least proud of myself for not having self-medicated with food during this period. A few years ago, I might have just demolished a box of cookies or lived off takeout for days at a time if this was how I was feeling. I think to a large extent I've managed to break that reward association and kept to a place where eating too much junk just makes me feel sick without any interim benefit. I'm not at as healthy an alternative as "Instead of eating half a pizza, go for a brisk walk," but at least it's "Instead of eating half a pizza, make some herbal tea and watch a comedy show."

But yeah, my goals for the last little while have mostly just been "Eat at least two meals, make sure they contain vegetables, and try to get more than six hours of sleep."

[sylvanwitch]

I think adjusting to reasonable goals is so important when you're suffering stressors (and so many all at once), and I think it's great that you have reached a point at which you don't automatically reach for a box of cookies--that's a HUGE development and awesome progress, and I commend you for it. I also am sending you lots of energy for the ongoing changes in your life and hoping that wherever you land, it's a place that can allow you to rest for a bit. *hugs*